Monday, February 18, 2008

I Am One Sexy Bitch

So I was getting ready for work this morning and took a minute to admire how nicely my ass is filling out. I mean, my overly tight underwear just accentuates the cellulite and the beginnings of a third butt cheek that Victoria's Secret cannot keep under wraps. Somebody call Cosmo and book me for a cover shoot!! Maybe they can slow down the shutter speed and get that nice blurry action from my jelly shakin'. And let's talk chicken thighs. KFC would kill to serve up thighs like mine. And my wings are coming in quite nicely. Someday soon I should be able to fly to work. Whoo hoo! Flappy arm skin!! About that time I realized how insane I was/am/continue to be and tried to find clothing that would cover rather than accentuate. (BTW, why can't we just put on weight in our boobs? Does it really have to spread everywhere else as well?)

Anyway, after the ego boost that had to take place after the morning naked visual, I picked up the book Skinny Bitch by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin--which I've had for about a month--and started paging through it. The tips in this book are just mind-boggling--like you have to exercise if you really want to lose weight. Damn, that blows my whole plan of sitting on my ass while stuffing my face with cookies and chocolate. But the way the authors say it is what really cracks me up and helps commit it to memory. To quote: "Give up the notion that you can be sedentary and still lose weight. You need to exercise, you lazy shit." or "You cannot keep eating the same shit and expect to get skinny." Really? Wow.

Seriously, I love this book. It's like a smack in the head with the hammer of common sense. They do promote a vegan lifestyle, but while I am willing to give up most meats, there's no way I'm giving up dairy.

So, I think I will finish reading this book, look into incorporating most of it into my life, actually take the Dancing With the Stars Cardio Dance DVD out of its case and play it (although it might be tough to do more than just drool over Maks), and try to get my butt down to where it fits within the confines of my underwear. Because let's face it--it's cheaper to eat less than it is to buy a new wardrobe.

If worse comes to worst, I'm pasting a picture of my underwear-clad self on the refrigerator. That would surely do the trick. And maybe it would scare the roaches out of my kitchen.

2 comments:

  1. You know what's gonna happen....Pretty soon you'll be at Wal-Mart buying granny panties!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Maybe I'll get some bloomers. Those should manage to contain the all the butt cheeks!

    ReplyDelete