Wreck the Halls with Bouts of Folly

(A brief rewrite of a classic)

'Twas a night before Christmas
And all 'round the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even the mouse (the computer was
shut down).

The stockings were hung
By the chimney with care
In hopes that someone would put something in there.

The furrballs were nestled all snug on the bed
While visions of wreckage and mayhem danced in
their heads.

And I in my flannels was resting on the couch,
hoping the cookies and fudge I'd eaten wouldn't settle south.

OK, wrecking a classic time is over. If I'd had more time, I could have come up with more, but Christmas is over now, so I'll let it go. Maybe next year I'll work on the 12 Days of Christmas. Someone gave me a good idea for the first day this morning. Sneak preview--"On the 1st day of Christmas the furrballs gave to me--A hairball on a Queen bed!)

Hope you all had a great Christmas!

It's Almost Here!

The day AFTER Christmas! I can't wait!!!!

Does anyone else out there suffer Christmas burnout? I mean, you get all excited at Thanksgiving about putting up the decorations and the prospect of actually having a nice holiday, then it heads downhill because you have to try to find presents for people you only see about twice a year while dodging elbows and carts in crowded stores, and then manage to survive the reckless driving on the streets outside the mall. Not to mention the baking of 12 dozen cookies (with only minor burns) and the knitting of scarves and caps.

By the time Christmas actually gets here you just want to shove a pie in the face of the nearest relative and tell everyone to kiss your holly jolly butt. Especially when some kid turns up his nose at a present and whines "that's NOT what I wanted!" Ungrateful little brats. Kids in China worked hard to make that!

Just three more days and it will all be over...

In the meantime, here's Tommy with a special message:

Merry Frickin' Christmas

Here's some advice:

#1 Don't go shopping in holiday madness when you're already pissed off. It just gets worse and you decide the people on your list really aren't worth your time or money.

#2 A note to fellow shoppers-- Move your &*%&#$&%#$*!&^&#$&*&!#%$*&^ shopping carts out of the damned way! You're not the only person who needs to get down that aisle.

#3 If someone has requested your assistance multiple times and you just flat out don't want to do it, just say so! Because your latest "excuse" just got busted. Hence the reason for #1.

As you can tell, my Christmas spirit has been tossed in the dumpster. And I'm not talking the pleasant smelling one outside the bakery, I'm talking about the nasty one outside the fish market. I'm an eyeblink away from Bah Humbugging it until after New Year's. I gotta find the Xanax.

All I Want for Christmas

Dear Santa,

I really need a new camera for Christmas. It would really assist in improving my skills. If I continue on with the current camera, I will continue to get crapcam photos like this:

That's supposed to be George Jones over there on the right. I think. I can't tell. So please exchange my 2.1 megapixel Olympus for something with at least 10 megapixels. And maybe a touch screen. I'm not picky. You choose.

Oh, and if you could also bring me peace on earth and a cat-loving, non-mom-living-with guy with no psycho tendencies, that would be great, too.

My Cat's Broken

I took this cute picture of Turtle last night warming himself in front of the space heater (yeah, I know, I have a fireplace--it just hasn't been inspected yet.)

Isn't it wild the positions cats can get into? It looks like someone put him together wrong. This one's had me worried because he's dropped a lot of weight and didn't want to eat. I've spent a lot of money on special senior cat food and supplements this week, both of which he'll barely touch, but since the temperature's gone back up, he's perkier. Guess it was just too cold for him.

And here's a couple of the other two. Or more. They've been pretty cute lately.

Here's Tommy under the tree in the craft room. Tommy hanging out in the clean clothes basket. He was upset that I discovered his hiding spot. Sam getting a bath. Sam snoozing hard under the table in the craft room.

Turtle planted his butt in the midst of the Christmas village last night, but I wasn't quick enough to get a shot of it.

And here are some shots of the before and after of the Christmas decorating in the living room.


Doesn't everyone have paint scrapers and bottled water in their living room floor?

Pre-Packaged Christmas Giving

You know what I hate? (OK, this post is about one thing in particular, not my laundry list of issues with the entire world.)

Pre-packaged Christmas gifts. The stores are littered with shrink-wrapped baskets of body lotions, makeup, coffee, "food" stuffs like wild smoked salmon with mustard pretzels. These gifts don't say "I care," they say "I had to get you a present so I grabbed this off the shelf."

I probably could have lived happily--okay, not happily, maybe tolerantly--with these things if not for the year a friend of mine gave me a planter filled with little guests soaps. To give her credit, the planter and the soaps were shaped like cats. Because you know how it is--pick one thing you know a person likes and get something that "relates" to it.

I don't want to sound like a complete bitch here, but I had spent quite a bit of time picking out a blouse for her, as well as a sweater for her husband. I'm not saying her gift to me should have been of a like dollar amount, but it could have used a little more care in the selection. What about me really makes someone say, upon seeing a shrink-wrapped ceramic cat filled with soap, "that's SO Jana!" Don't you hate it when you're so excited to receive a gift, only to open it up and have your happiness deflate like a balloon? Oh, hey, this is great! Thanks so much! I had no idea soap came shaped like cats! I'll treasure it for as long as it takes me to get it home and hide it in a garbage bag.

So I have begun a boycott of pre-packaged Christmas crap. (Of course, I'm sitting here looking at a basket full of chocolates and poached salmon, but I'll consume the chocolate and let the salmon disappear where it shall.) I will not buy those items to give as gifts. The last couple of years I've been giving handmade gifts. Some people might not have liked receiving scarves, but at least they weren't pulled off a shelf and I took the time to pick out the yarn and put in the hours it took to craft the item.

And that leads me to another thing--where has the joy in Christmas shopping gone? I used to love browsing and finding that "perfect" gift. Now it's just such a beating to even get in and out of a store. And the prices are just ridiculous. Forget it. I don't know anyone who needs overpriced Chinese-made crap. Gift cards are the next generation pre-packaged gift, but at least the recipient gets to pick out their own crap. And frankly, I prefer it.

Babes With Balls

Last night was the final night of our bowling season. We gals came in 9th out of 10 teams. Guess we should get back to practicing. I got another badge for Most Improved Woman. OK, I admit it--there wasn't anyone else to give it to. My team contained the only women in the league.

League nights are the only times we let men (boys, actually) talk trash to us without our completely emasculating them and screaming harrassment in return. My mother would probably be embarrassed by some of the stuff Becci, Amber and I say at the bowling alley. OK, she'd be embarrassed by all of it. But hell, it's all in fun and everyone gives as good as they get. I mean, where else can Becci talk about her smelly balls? (No, really, her bowling balls are scented!) Or when one of the guys picks on Amber for losing her ball in the return, her response is "well, you see, it's not attached." Last night I was teasing Jerod about seeing London and France and he had to prove that his red boxers did not in fact have Santa on them, but monkeys with bananas. Oh, and how could we possibly forget the night last season when we were mooned? (Wait a minute, this is beginning to sound like a Roman bacchanal. It's not--I would say it's more like Animal House.)

We may talk a lot of trash, and threaten to kick each others asses, but the cheering we do for each other pretty much evens it out. These are a fun bunch of guys. Too bad there's not a 30-something single guy among them.


Wayne's threatened to track down this blog and leave horrible messages. If he can find this site, I'll publish his sophomoric ramblings. But he must be aware I'll begin discussing his varied "health" issues. He knows what I mean. ;-)

Baby, It's Cold Outside

Sunday it was 78 degrees. Monday it was in the twenties. Right now it's 25 degrees and they're predicting drizzle. Winter has come to Texas. Of course, tomorrow it's predicted to be in the fifties. Is it any wonder I can't get this cough to go away?

This morning I woke up early to find out what the weather was and what the street conditions were. For those of you "up north", we Texans are completely unable to drive on icy streets. Businesses and schools shut down and we residents scurry home and hide at the first sign of flurries. Everything was clear in our area, so I had to encourage my poor car to fire up and head out.

Tommy was stretched out on the bed while I was getting dressed. He looked up at me and gave me the crankiest meow. I scratched him on his head and told him it was all right, he could stay home today and I'd go to work. He just rolled over and shut his eyes to go back to sleep. Oh, to change places with him!

Slower Than a Speeding Bullet

Ahhh, Bush. Yet another story to add to his legacy. While his father is known for puking during a state dinner in Japan, Jr. will be remembered for having shoes hurled at his head by an Iraqi journalist. I don't want to say I laughed, but HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Do you think the Secret Service is now having to undergo training for what to do during a shoe attack? If they must be willing to take a bullet for the president, are they also required to take a shoe? Is there a different strategy for dealing with a man's loafer versus a woman's stiletto? Will reporters now have to enter the press room barefoot? Inquiring minds need to know.

Stuff Roundup

OK, it's been a few days since I posted anything. Once the auditor left, my brain was fried and staring into space seemed the easiest thing to do.

Now that I've had time to reboot, as well as catch up on some housework, I figured I should catch up on some of the week's happenings and observations.

First-- Blagojevich. What an unbelievably egotistical idiot. I can see it now, a new term to add to our already overstretched verbiage. "He really Blagoed that deal, didn't he?" Dude, just resign and get fitted for your orange jumpsuit already.

Second--auto bailout. Stalled in the Senate. Hmmmm, really? Politicians have decided not to hand out more money to beggars who mismanaged their business? Wow. That really is one for the history books. Think Bush will take back a little from the banks to give to the big 3? Or should I say "2" since Ford has decided they don't need money. Yet.

Third--OJ Simpson. Finally! Justice has been served and his reign of terror has ended.

Fourth--Jon Stewart's interview w/ Mike Huckabee. I must say it was interviewing genius. Stewart really nailed him on the whole gay marriage issue. He can twist that knife better than anyone on network. I so love him.

Fifth--inflatable Christmas yard decor. These are really cute for the few hours each night that they're inflated. The rest of the time it just looks like there's been a horrific massacre up and down the street.

Sixth--Capitalism. Not all capitalism, just the people who decided to capitalize on Sarah Palin's "pit bull with lipstick" quote. I was walking through Hobby Lobby and came face to face with a display of wall plaques with that quote on it. Gross! I almost dumped my basket and left the store.

That's all I've got for today. Back to laundry and dishes. More later, and possible pictures of Christmas at my house--it looks like the holiday threw up in the living room.

Sign the Pledge Today!

You Know You're Doing Too Much DIY...

when your Christmas wish list includes vice grips, a wheel barrow, and a circular saw. Not to mention a sink and siding.

Peace on Earth

The World’s Greatest Nephew came over on Friday night to hang out and eat too much pizza. We surfed the net for funny cat photos and played some Pokemon and Super Mario on his Nintendo DS. (Oh, and the word "sharted" is now guaranteed to send him into fits of laughter. I'm sure his grandma is thrilled with my influence.)

I finally convinced him to hit the sack around midnight so we piled into bed with Turtle and zonked out. I woke up in the wee hours of the morning to find myself being shoved off the bed and my nephew with his arm around the cat—and said cat purring away. This is notable due to the fact that for the past nine years Turtle has been at war with the kid. This was like the lion lying down with the lamb.

Now that my nephew’s older, he’s finally learned that the best way to deal with Turtle is to be quiet and treat him gently. (Also, if you brush his hair and feed him treats, he’ll lay down and die for you.) This is a big change from all the times Turtle’s been chased by a mischievous little boy. Most of the time Turtle has been forced to hide from him in self defense and refused to come out until he was gone. I honestly think he feared the kiddo would eat him. I know I’ve gotten that “it’s me or him” look from him many times over the years.

Now, I do need to note that this change only applies to Turtle. Sam and Tommy still get chased around. I didn't see much of either of them until well after my nephew was gone Saturday afternoon.

Saturday morning peace still reigned in the household as the two of them piled up on the couch to watch cartoons. Turtle even bathed the kiddo’s hand. I should have grabbed the camera to document this momentous occasion, but it was too peaceful to disturb.

Oh, and the WGN informed me that all those leaves he’s been raking need to be put into a compost bin so I can use it as fertilizer if I decide to plant a garden. What are they teaching these kids at school? Well, when he comes over next week, he’ll find himself a brand new bin to fill up. (Hey, I’m taking advantage of his willingness to do manual labor while I can. In another year or two he’ll be doing that whiny preteen thing.)

Blogging will likely be light this week as I am dealing with the auditor at work. It’s day two and I’m already exhausted.

Death By Chicken Pot Pie

If a food's gonna kill me, I'd rather it be chocolate. Preferably a river of it. But Swanson's Chicken Pot Pie? The ramen noodle of chicken pot pies? Ugh.

The small chain grocery down the street is convenient. That's about it. I ran in to grab something for dinner last night and ended up getting the aforementioned pot pie at the fantastic special of 3 for $2. Headed home and threw one in the oven.

It wasn't that appetizing, but after a week spent eating nothing but potato soup and drinking cough medicine, I was ready for a change.

Well, to keep a story from getting disgusting, I'll just say it wasn't the change I needed. And I wasn't the only one--Turtle had finished off what was on the plate and he was tossing his cookies too. We went to bed early and just hoped to survive. Sam's still sneezing (which sounds like a cross between an explosion and a hiss), although not as much, and needed to cuddle. We crashed out on the bed while Tommy--no doubt disgusted by the three of us--decided to sleep elsewhere.
So now I'm back to feeling craptastical. At least it's Friday and I can sleep all weekend.

Gesundheit

There were little kitty sneezes emanating from beneath the bed this morning. I think Sammy's caught my cold. Poor little devil. He wouldn't come out so I could cuddle him, but hopefully he will stay there and rest all day. These pets of mine always pick the worst times to get sick--in between paydays. Of course, there's really no way to treat a cold, other than rest and fluids. Guess I should see if he wants some chicken soup, huh?

I'm starting to feel better, at least until I get out of bed and start moving around. That's when the coughing and dizziness starts back up. I skipped bowling last night just to stay in bed and get some rest. It worked out pretty well until my phone rang at midnight and scared the bejesus out of me. For the third time some girl was looking for Ryan. Sorry, sister, this still isn't his number!

(And don't you hate it when the wrong-number dialer starts to argue with you? Good grief! You called the wrong person! I was nice about it, so hang up the phone and leave me alone already! I'm not Ryan's grandma, nor do I know him. Plus, I've had this phone number for 10 years.)

Anyway, it took me a while to get back to sleep after that and I woke up twice more with coughing fits. I would gladly have stayed home today, but once again I'm forced to go to work thanks to obligations like conference calls and preparing for audit. Bleh.

Jeb Bush Speaks

Somebody stuck a microphone in front of Jeb Bush and he said the most hilarious thing!

The party should establish a loyal opposition and “organize ourselves in the form of a shadow government” that would address key issues, providing the public with “a loftier debate about policy” rather than mere partisanship.

Wait, what? You mean he wasn't joking? He actually said that with a
straight face?? *takes another swig of cough medicine* I gotta lie down.

To read the interview yourself got to Newsmax.com.
There's even video if you can stomach it.

For Just $1 a Year

Okay, seriously, how overpaid are you if you can afford to take a paycut down to $1 a year? Is Alan Mulally pandering to Congress trying to show he's serious, or what?

So Ford's CEO has offered up his salary, plus no bonuses or merit raises and the tantalizing promise of electric cars in his bid for government money. BUT, "Mulally says Ford has said it has enough cash to make it through 2009 and may not need government help." Not to mention he'll only take the $1 salary "if Ford has to take government money."

Um, wait. Am I still drunk on cough medicine? He's saying he'll only make this grand gesture if he has to take taxpayer money? So he's sitting there in Detroit drawing full salary until reserves run out? Why not start now? Save the company and the government some money, Alan!

But hey, at least they've learned their lesson regarding travel by private jet!

A General Motors spokesman said Wagoner will travel to Washington later this
week by car instead of flying a commercial airline or corporate jet.

Spokesman Tony Cervone said Wagoner will drive in a Chevrolet Malibu
hybrid sedan when he makes the 520-mile trek from Detroit to Capitol Hill.

Ford Motor Co. CEO Alan Mulally also is driving. Chrysler LLC CEO Robert
Nardelli will not travel by corporate jet. A spokeswoman says his travel plans
will remain secret for security reasons.

I pulled all my quotes from MSN's article here: Ford CEO offers to work for $1 a year

Things You Don't Know About Me (And Probably Didn't Want To)

It could be the cough medicine, but I thought I'd treat you to a few little-known facts about this blogger. This list might make you decide to read elsewhere, or accidentally give you a chuckle.

In no particular order:

• I won't eat tomatoes unless they are pounded into some form of sauce and served on pizza or spaghetti.
• I prefer MySpace to Facebook.
• I own almost every Paul Walker movie.
• I own all 10 seasons of "Stargate SG-1," plus the books based on the series.
• Calling me a bitch is actually a term of endearment.
• I dislike people in general.
• I think "frell" is a great fake curse word. So is "flubber" and "fudge nuggets."
• I own Popeye on DVD.
• My nephew is the greatest kid in the world.
• I can't stand text message shorthand. (It's "are you" not "ru"!!!!)
• I do crossword puzzles in pen.
• I still like to watch "Family Matters" reruns.
• I once worked for the Texas Rangers Baseball Club (post-Bush).
• My Keith Urban Fan Club number is 425.
• The nail on my right pinky finger grows crooked.
• Wal-Mart gives me anxiety attacks.
• I hate dating. I especially hate it when someone says "You have to meet..."
• I was once a "Robotech" fan club member. (In junior high--it was that or wearing parachute pants.)
• I used to edit college textbooks.
• I am a dork. I revel in my dorkness.
• I can't stand people who can't spell.
• I hate Match.com thanks to the aforementioned spelling issues. Sorry guys, I won't date you if your emails look like they were written by a monkey.
• I have OCD.
• The worst dating advice I ever got was to not let guys know how smart I am. (However, no one's ever told me not to let them know how much of a bitch I can be!)
• I am the only member of my family who will admit to being a Democrat.
• I once had a pet pig named Grumpy.
• When I was four I liked to pretend I was Huckleberry Finn.
• I played with a black baby doll named Drew when I was little.
• I've consumed so many fluids today that I have to pee whenever I cough. Excuse me.